taken from metafilter

I have been on their "list" since I spent time in Afghanistan in mid-2001. Every single fucking time I go down to the States, no matter if by car or by plane, I am pulled aside (to put it mildly), interrogated, confined to a cell, and finally questioned by the FBI. The very first time this happened to me in early 2005, I was driving down to Buffalo with my mother and her friend to catch a flight onto San Fransisco.

"Get out of the car and put your hands behind your back!"

My mother, her friend, and I were welcomed to America by five INS officers.

"Ummmmmmm... what's this all about?"

"You're wanted on weapons charges, now move!"

For the next 8 hours, on and off, a 10 by 15 cell was to be my home. I was stripped of my shoes, my belt and anything else I was under the illusion was mine. Bathroom? Yeah, accompanied by two guards and don't I dare flush. Food? Regardless of the last time one has eaten, they don't have to feed you for eight more hours.

My only form of entertainment was observing my mother (who had been separated from her friend) through the small plexiglass of my cell. Was she pissed. Deja vu Iraq - me and a bunch of Muslims being interrogated by culturally insensitive officers asking ridiculous questions and making incredibly ignorant statements.

During my second finger printing session:

"The Canadians say he's okay."

"I don't care what the Canadians say."

Hmmmmm...

The FBI finally arrived and it was good cop, bad cop. What a fuckin' cliché. The parts I can remember were as follows:

"Do you have an alias?"

"No."

"What religion are you?"

"Agnostic."

"Xxxxxx, in America, you are free to practice any religion you like. What religion are you?"

"Agnostic, but my parents are Jewish."

"Why didn't you tell the INS officer you travelled to the Middle East earlier?"

"He asked me where I had been on my most recent travels."

"Don't get into semantics with us."

"Listen, you people complain when I give you long-winded answers and you complain when I'm brief. I can't win."

Bad cop finally breaks free from his muted trance, "The last three guys I interviewed, I made cry."

"I don't know what to say to that."

"Would you like some water? Would you like to go to the bathroom? Let's start again. This can be as easy or as difficult as you make it."

"Do you know the book, 'Arabic Script: Styles, Variants, and Calligraphic Adaptations'?"

"Nope."

"Did you write the book 'Arabic Script: Styles, Variants, and Calligraphic Adaptations'?"

"I don't know it, so how could I have written it?"

"Do you go by the name Xxxxx Xxxxx Xxxxx"

"No, but I have seen this name on the Internet. He's gotta be a lot older than me."

"Have you ever met anybody who dislikes the United States?"

"Yes."

"Did they try to recruit you or offer you any money?"

"No."

"Do you know Osama Bin Laden or any of his associates?"

"NO."

"Have you ever attended a terrorist training camp?"

"NO."

My favourite was, "What do you think about America?"

"Well... nobody's perfect."

"Are you surprised to be sitting here, Xxxxxx?" (they really liked to say my name).

"Well, yes. You people did the same thing in Iraq for three weeks, and then again in Toronto a year ago. I would think you'd have it all sorted by now."

For over an hour, not only did I have to endure their absurd questions, but I had to take them seriously.

Back to my cell for a couple more hours. Finally, the lock turned one last time.

"Get your stuff and follow us." *Oh you mean this stuff, you've dumped all over the floor outside my cell? Bastards.

More Q&A, but this time from a friendly/aware INS officer who took a liking to me. We went through the hundred or so standard questions, most of which, he answered 'NO' on my behalf. Then, he had to supplement with a bunch more specifics to my case. He helped me, so I helped him brainstorm new questions. I noticed an order taped to his desk - 'Anyone attempting to enter the United States from the following countries, x,y,z, require an interview'.

"So you guys totally profile here?"

"Ha. Yup, but we can't call it that."

What happened next was one of the strangest experiences. A British passport was brought into the office and passed around to several people, including myself. They asked me to take a look at it and try to determine if it was a fake. WTF?

"Well, the picture has no holograms over it and the print is almost see-through, but it was processed at the Embassy in Tehran, so..."

Next thing I knew, the man I had just seen in the photograph was grabbed from his car, handcuffed and escorted past me to a cell.

"Ummmm... I don't want this passport, here you go..."

My new friend and the FBI (who also took a liking to me in the end) wanted to forewarn me I wasn't getting in.

"Nobody who goes through what you have, gets in. There's no point for the supervisor to risk it. He can send you back and not think twice, but if he let's you in and something happens..."

Twenty minutes later, as if an intervention from Allah, they gave me a 16 day visa.
posted by gman at 6:13 PM on March 7 [78 favorites]