beard issues

well, i've got beard issues.

when i was a kid i was raised to believe sikhism. it wasn't really so much an option as it was a chore. something that had to be done. no choice involved really. didnt wanna go to temple? tough. not wearing a putka was out of the question. the sheer lack of freedom was startling. and as i grew older, the same thing continued. i was not allowed to cut my hair. my hair had to be covered by a cloth. if i didnt do it, my folks would kill me. it was unthinkable. so deeply was it ingrained into me. my parents arranged it so that they would be heartbroken should we cut our hair. it was never a real harmless option to be our own selves. our parents put their fragile hearts in between us being what we wanted, and we suffered because of it. i think of so many things i could've done, should've done, that had i done, my folks would have become murderously upset about. and for some reason, we felt like upsetting our parents was something we could never do. essentially it was never on the table. im sure somewhere along the line one of us, perhaps both, upset our parents, and we were given such a rattling that we learned from then on that it was only their way. nothing else was possible. basically they made it so unpleasant for us that the path of least resistance was to go ahead and give up our freedom. so we thought. but like... giving up your freedom... you dont realize how much youve given up until youve then lived with complete freedom. its nuts.

but the bottom line is, i can't grow a beard. why? it makes me sick to my stomache. i see the beard, and i remember the repressive years. i remember how i was literally a prisoner in my own body. i could not shave. i could not get a hair cut. i could not date. i could not do anything. and the representation of the faith i displayed on my face, i did not know if i actually believed. i went to qegs, and christianity was taught there. i loved the hymns and shit. meanwhile at the gurudwara i was taught next to nothing about the religion. i mean i like the heaven story, hell i even like praying, but there's things out there that i like even more. like this whole like, icelandic set of beliefs. i know they have a church, but they also have more ancient and powerful beliefs that hold some weight in my mind.